Anna Nicole Smith, Rest In Pieces

OH MY GAWD, what a spectacle, huh? Anna Nicole is dead but the story just won't die with her.

Poor Britney Spears had to shave her head just to grab some headlines away from Anna Nicole. It was the only part of her body left that the world hasn't already seen, shaved....

Apparently the skanks of the world don't like it when one skank gets all of the spotlight for too long. Especially when she's DEAD. They need to get their faces (or their vaginas) in front of, like, the Paparazzi's cameras, you know, like every few days so the public doesn't, like, forget about them or something. I mean, Anna Nicole is SO last week, already!

I fully expect Hillarity Clinton and/or Nancy Pelosi to start complaining any day now.

My friend Dave Wise wrote me yesterday, saying

I've heard the name Ann N.Smith mentioned (it's inescapable!) as the media marches on marketing anyone they feel you ought to be interested in ... or whatever heap of trash floated to the top of the media sewer. I'm still not certain what she is known for!

So I wrote back and enlightened him:

Well, she's news because... because stupidity is pretty damn entertaining, mostly.

Some Texas oil tycoon married her back in the 1990's when he was in his eighties and she was a nightclub stripper in her twenties. With his money and influence, she managed to make her way to the centerfold of Playboy.

Then the old fart died and all hell broke loose over his will. She's been a walking, talking blond joke ever since. Any time she did or said something to get in the news, it was so fucking stupid that I'd fall out of my chair laughing....

It isn't often that you get to laugh out loud from watching a train wreck.

So, now her formerly-hot body is brewing the next batch of Peter Pan peanut butter while people fight over who gets to bury her rapidly-decomposing remains. WHAT A STORY!

The train wreck just keeps going, and going, and going. All we need now is for someone to steal her body. Gawd, that would be funny!

So this morning, I turn on the news and there it was. It's inevitable. They always do it, after every feeding frenzy: a bunch of talking heads self-flagellating over the question of whether they're spending too much time on the Anna Nicole story. They even had the obligatory "expert" (whom no one has ever heard of before) pontificating that "we" are a "sick society."

It's about as informative as watching a bunch of people sit around and masturbate. Okay, I'll admit that there are people who are into that -- and for a good cause, too -- but still, the media's binge-purge bulimic excesses don't necessarily mean that all the rest of us are a bunch of sickos.

Myself, I think that all of this is great. The longer this Anna Nicole story goes, that's that much more air time that WON'T be devoted to Hilarity, Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and the entire Global Warming crowd. In fact, you might have missed this, but Pelosi's little Global Warming dog-and-pony show in DC had to be canceled because of... get this... unseasonably cold weather.

I hope the damn Anna Nicole story keeps going right up to the 2008 elections! It's a hell of a lot more entertaining, and that's all the news in this country is anyway: entertainment. What the hell, maybe it will get Hilarity Clinton to shave her coochie. Oh, wait a minute... I don't think I want to see that....

My friend Dave is concerned. "How the hell is Ron Paul and the message of liberty going to get heard above all this?" he writes.

Dave's a great guy, but I think he's being a little naive. Does he honestly think there's a Snowman's Chance in Hell that the media will ever talk about Ron Paul, or Liberty? Give me a break. It will be a Cold Day in Hell before they give him (or the message of Liberty) even so much as an inch of ink. If he gets mentioned at all, it's going to be something like this:

"Ron Paul, the failed 1988 Libertarian presidential candidate, spoke to a crowd of three people earlier today at the local airport."

And it will probably be the lead-in to the local weather report.